Sirius Black's Slightly Secret Diary
by AndromacheCassandra
Summary: Sirius's diary of the seventh year. Rated to be on the safe side.
1. Jan 1 Feb 6

Disclaimer: We own only Rowan, Ophelia and Igor. JK Rowling owns everything else; except Rupert and his friend. Can you guess who we err borrowed them off? Inspired by the v.fab Bridget Jones Diary and Mary-Lou's "Legolas Greenleaf's Diary". So in recap we own very little of this and are making no profit.  
  
MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS.  
  
+ Not to be expelled from school as think this is v.bad idea and will not be allowed to do more magic. Thus avoid becoming Hagrid because pink is not my colour. Can't believe I just wrote that.  
  
+ Decide what to do with self after school.  
  
+ Make Rowan happier. She is a lovely wonderful beautiful girl and have no idea why she dates me. I love her.  
  
+ Be nicer to Snape. Well not try to kill him. Again. Will help make Rowan happy.  
  
+ Think about things more clearly. There is a line between funny and dangerous. Just need to work out where it is exactly.  
  
+ Do all homework when it's given as opposed to night before it's due in mad panic. Poss get better marks?  
  
+ Write to parents every week not just when need money. Are old may die soon.  
  
+ Never ever drink alcohol again. Have hangover. Head hurts.  
  
Have sex in school. Determined to at least once before I leave, preferably before Prongs. With Rowan.  
  
+ Stop being so competitive with Jamesie. Is v.unhealthy.  
  
+ Stop being vain. Not my fault that have girls drooling after me, though can't blame them - whoops! Try again.  
  
  
  
January 1st.  
  
No pranks played: 45, excellent as alone. Far better than Prongs could do. No pranks discovered today: 15, everyone else at home for X-mas. No times I got in trouble: 3, v.good. No pranks to be discovered when others come back to school: 30. No resolutions broken: 2, not v.good as only Jan 1st.  
  
10pm.  
  
Not much happened. Got this diary from Mother for X-mas. Wonder why X-mas short for Christmas? Ask Moony, sure he'll know. He seems to know everything else.  
  
Put dungbombs in Snape's cauldron. Should be interesting next Potions class, depending on whether he checks it first and what we're making.  
  
Note to self: sit far away from the slimy git in next class, poss. hide behind Wormtail.  
  
Also managed to hide all Binns's notes in the huge books that came into being with the World that he has in classroom.  
  
Am v.proud of self as have managed to hide Filibuster firework in Wormtail's sponge. Serve him right for having a pink sponge bigger than his head. Also will be unlikely to get hurt as:  
  
No-heat fireworks so can't burn  
  
Peter can swim and anyway has plenty of fat for buoyancy.  
  
Is unlikely James will let him drown if he faints in shock (has happened before) as James even saved Snape from being eaten by Remus in the incident which No-One-Will-Ever-Let-Me-Forget-But-Isn't-Spoken- Of.  
  
Am haunted by knowledge that when I get married that story will be trotted out by Prongs in his best man speech. Am comforted by knowledge that have so much dirt on Prongs for my Best Man's speech. Ok, so doesn't involve homicidal pranks but does involve fleas and the sheep.  
  
3am..  
  
Actually don't think Moony would have eaten Snape. Is far too picky about his food and doesn't eat greasy stuff.  
  
4am.  
  
Worried that Wormtail could die and could be my fault. Am pleased as now obviously have conscience. Rowan will be proud of me. Am brilliant.  
  
5am.  
  
Am worried that am bit too proud of wonderful self.  
  
No resolutions broken now: 4?  
  
January 3rd. OTHERS BACK FOR NEW TERM.  
  
No pranks played: 0, have hangover. No homicidal thoughts: 1645646, still none directed at Snape which is good as may be only resolution I keep but bad as mostly directed at Hagrid's dog and Mr. Norris. No pornographic thoughts about Rowan: too many to count.  
  
Love Grandma who sent me brandy and whisky for Christmas but feel terrible as drank it all yesterday in fit of worry over the firework in Peter's sponge. As result too hangover to remove it before they came back. Actually was still asleep then Prongs dropped books on me and asked if I was dead.  
  
Went down to dinner. Lily and Rowan asked if was ill. Told them truth, as world spinning so fast was too busy trying not to be sick to think of lie. Lily suggested Madame Pomfrey as a solution. Rowan suggested "hair of the dog that bit you", made friends laugh. Hate them all. Except Rowan. Who I love and want to do rude things with.  
  
Back in common room; Rowan said she felt bad about me spending X-mas and New Year alone while she went to family party. Thought this meant I was getting lucky, but turned out she and Moony had smuggled Scotch and Firewhisky to school. Having mini-Hogmanay. Love them both! Rowan more though.  
  
4am.  
  
Lurve rOwan. Is esxy. Whoopsie. Notha rezo resalucian thingy brio ken. Lurve Rfindes. Esp jamessss but not ingay way. Drinkled weisski whiscy whiskiey  
  
Beer.  
  
  
  
January 4th,  
  
6am.  
  
Oh crap. Feel sick. And have forgotten to do Charms essay. Bugger. Never ever drinking again.  
  
Night. Late.  
  
No pranks played: 16. No pranks discovered: 46, where did the extra come from? Oh yeah, X-mas, bad. No of points lost: 20, worth it though when cauldron exploded. No detentions got: 3 hate trophy room, esp. T M Riddle and his stupid shield. No detentions Snape got: 1, but lasts for two weeks. Yes! No essays to do: about forty million: well 5.  
  
Have found out that if you put Daniana, tomato seeds, Joe Pye Weed, lovage and Vervain into a cauldron with dungbombs the resulting explosion will destroy not only the cauldron but large part of the dungeons too. Wondered what Snape was making with them at lunchtime in the deserted bit of the dungeons; looked in library. All are potent aphrodisiacs - the Slimy one was making illegal love potions. Suppose only way he'll ever get lucky. Yuck! Now have v.disturbing mental pictures of Snape. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!  
  
Got three detentions; for the cauldron, fighting with Snape and for chucking things at people in Muggle Studies. Now regretting playing up so much Divination Professor whose name I never bothered to learn threw Prongs and me out of class. Am now stuck in class I hate with people I find boring. So I chuck bits of parchment and anything else I can find around. Muggle Studies is actually v.easy, which is probably why I'm bored. Had to polish trophies the muggle way. Mr. Norris the Evil Cat-monster from Hell kept jumping on this shield thing awarded to T M RIDDLE FOR SPECIAL SERVICES TO THE SCHOOL. Just because I kicked him last time I was invisible. Also when a dog I chased him up a tree. However have done Charms essay, with help from Rowan who is wonderful. Actually she wrote it for me. I love my girlfriend. In return am doing her Potions essay. Oh crap, better start. Will just give her mine because Moony has two and steal, ah borrow one.  
  
In other news: Prongs and Lily had a fight and have broken up. Moony is seeing Ophelia again. Well, hope he is because they were looking v.biological in Charms classroom when I got out of detention. And Wormtail fell off James's broom. Will be out of Hospital Wing tomorrow. Hope he's done Charms Essay.  
  
  
  
January 5th.  
  
January 6th.  
  
James and Lilly together again!  
  
January 7th.  
  
  
  
January 8th. TRANSFIGURATION TEST  
  
  
  
January 9th. .  
  
  
  
January 10th.  
  
  
  
January 11th.  
  
  
  
January 12th.  
  
  
  
January 13th. FULL MOON.  
  
  
  
January 14th.  
  
  
  
January 15th.  
  
SINCE LAST ENTRY  
  
No pranks played: 45, v.poor but have had lots of homework and friends too concerned with safety. No illegal activities engaged in: 1, animagus; well 2 if counting roaming wild with Moony. No times have been in fight: 6. No fights won: 5. No detentions: lots. No howlers from home: 1, Mum doesn't think I work hard enough, also she found out about Grans Christmas present and blames ME! Her mother sent it!!!!!!! No fights with Rowan: 12 like making out up.  
  
Had detention again. Why do teachers not find pranks funny? Had lots of homework, so no diary for a while. Hate stupid NEWTS. Worse than OWLS. Hate stupid teachers and homework too. Hate stupid friends, esp. Prongs who laughed like drain when Igor Parkinson hexed me and made leeks grow out of ears. They will both pay.  
  
On happier note; Rowan doesn't like Snape anymore because he was mean to Lily. Finally she has realized he is evil! Also got further than ever before, can't be long before I get lucky! But need to find new place for privacy, got caught by Wormtail and then Filch who heard the yelling. Are in trouble. Well I am, Row's a prefect so she's allowed to wander around school. They will both pay too.(Wormy and Filch, not Rowan) (And Snape will pay too, because I don't like him.)  
  
Wormtail found firework last Friday. Didn't find it quite as funny as everyone else did. Neither did he faint or drown. Hope Filch doesn't notice bits of sponge stuck to ceiling in bathroom. Will be hard to explain.  
  
+ Note to self: make following people pay:  
  
Snape  
  
Parkinson  
  
Slytherin's in general  
  
Filch  
  
Prongs and Wormtail.  
  
T. M. Riddle, just have to figure out who he is.  
  
January 16th.  
  
Am v.impressed. Came top in transfiguration test. Think may have overdone the boasting though because have managed to alienate all my friends. Am obviously brilliant. Who else could have used alienate correctly? Except Moony, who doesn't count because:  
  
+ isn't reading my diary, I hope.  
  
+ think ol' Remus ate a dictionary in one of his lycanthropic episodes (another big word there, am v.brilliant) so knows faaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrr too many long words.  
  
In other news, Peter has again exceeded the world record for amount of food eaten in one sitting. Think the house-elves worship him as their deity. Put Mrs. Skower's All-Purpose Magical Mess- Remover in Snape's shampoo. Jamie and self are conducting and experiment to see if that stuff he calls hair is actually growing on his scalp under the grease or if the grease is actually holding a wig onto his head. Will tell Row, who always knows it was us, that we were trying to get rid of the extra grease we put in there. Admittedly that was four years ago but Sevvie can't wash his hair that often, so it's probably still there. Also in other news Snape said sorry to Lily and now Rowan, he AND Lily are mates. V.BAD, James in strop that the Slimy one is matey with his girlfriend. So am I.  
  
4am  
  
Found frogspawn flavoured Bertie Bott. Wormtail found what he claimed was shite flavour. Never ever ever want to know how he knows what poo taste's like. Never.  
  
January 17th.  
  
  
  
January 18th.  
  
  
  
January 19th.  
  
Have decided to stop keeping running totals of stuff because  
  
+ is anal-retentive behavior  
  
+ is boring.  
  
In other news, think friends are reading diary as keep counting things ("ike no.words spoken today 2748347384730") and using alienate in conversation. Found new hiding place for diary.  
  
January 20th.  
  
  
  
January 21st.  
  
January 22nd.  
  
January 23rd.  
  
January 24th.  
  
January 25th.  
  
January 26th.  
  
January 27th.  
  
Rowan's stepmother's Birthday sent lovely card along with one Rowan sent.  
  
January 28th.  
  
January 29th.  
  
January 30th.  
  
January 31st.  
  
February 1st  
  
Outside DUMBLDORES office!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shaking too much to write will carry on later. Haven't been this worried since my attempt to add new and Slimy foods to Remus's diet.  
  
Dormitory- Bedtime  
  
This is what happened and why I am BANNED from the next Hog meads visit and have had 30 points taken from house. Plus Rowan, James and Lily will not talk to me, Rowan has told me to grow up and that she can look after herself as has top marks in DADA. All three will only address me as "Mr Black" and that is polite version.  
  
I did what any boy would do if EVIL git Lestrange of Slytherin tried it on with girlfriend then pinched her bottom. Waited until Rowan had walked off after slapping him then I hit him! He hit me back and suddenly was engulfed by crowd of non-prefect friends including Rupert (who shares dorm with us) got several punches in and the crowd grew bigger now seemed all of School was there. This could have been due to Peeves rolling around yelling "FIGHT! FIGHT!" In manner of Quidditch chant. Then James and entire male complement of Prefects turned up (as prefect lounge is round corner and were having meeting) James and co pushed way through crowed to break up fight then Lestrange hit James. That was when Dumbldore tuned up in time to see Head boy being fist propelled into suit of armour- he (as Rupert put it) "Blew his stack" no wonder Voldy (You Know Who) is scared of him! I think I am too. Dumbldore had Lestrange in office before me he came out pale and v. scared looking as if he was surprised to still be alive, but wished he wasn't.  
  
Dumbldore called me in and sat me down and just stared at me over top of specs for several seconds. This is what happened next  
  
Him: So would you care to tell me your version of what happed Mr Black?  
  
Me: ………….  
  
Him: Sirius, I'm very disappointed in you I thought after the business with Misters Snape and Lupin you would of learned your lesson  
  
Me: He stated it he pinched Rowan's Bu…. (Stop self from yelling bum into headmasters face)  
  
Him: Be that as it may Mr Black but Miss McKinley had already "taken steps" as she put it and the matter was closed.  
  
Me: I don't' like people like him trying it on with Row because…  
  
Him: That is quite enough Mr Black,  
  
Me: You didn't hear what he said  
  
Him: MR BLACK! This matter is now closed. You will have 30 points taken from your house and you will not be going on the next trip to the village.  
  
Is dark, sleeping now.  
  
Feb 2nd  
  
Am personne non grata. None of friends will talk to me, not even Wormtail. Who talks to his underwear.  
  
Feb 3rd  
  
Rupert has taken pity on me. Would I like to hang round with him and his friends one of whom is from Ravenclaw. See don't need them am fine on my own, have new friends. Miss my old ones though is no fun Marauding round Hogwarts at night on own. Rupert told me to sod off and that the night was for sleeping. He's no fun.  
  
Feb 4th  
  
Remus spoke to me today, told me that I was an idiot and had put James as head boy and Rowan as a Prefect in difficult possion by fighting as they are authority figures and have to up hold rules. Pointed out to Moony that we had all broken the rules dozens of times, Moony huffed at me that 'It simply not the same thing' and walked off. Not quite sure what he meant will ask Rupert to clarify. Rup said it was all to do with James public image "As head boy James cant be seen to condone fighting what ever the case". Would be sure Rupert was Moony in disguise if had not seen them both together in same room on daily basis.  
  
Feb 5  
  
Rupert is odd told me he was going to Oxford after Hogwarts and that he'd like to be a fighter pilot in the RAF but his father won't let him. Smile reassuringly at him as have no idre what RAF or fighter pilots are.  
  
Peter told me that James would talk to me but Lily won't let him. Asked him why he was talking to me his answer "Because Lily and Rowan aren't here". James is hen pecked and he's not even married. Why is hen pecked, called that? Will ask Father he's bound to know. New friend from Ravenclaw is v. odd thinks demons are "Cool" am sure Sorting hat made mistake with this one, is defiantly a Slytherin.  
  
Feb 6th  
  
James, Lily, Remus and Rowan sat me down and spoke to me today each sepretly. Remus explained to me what he had meant, Rupert was right. James told much the same, as Remus and that I need to use the brain I was born with for more than just pranks. Lily told me that it was hard for all of them not talking to me but they thought it was only way I would learn. Rowan swept in to common room and kissed me so hard thought I'd pass out, then asked why I hadn't left things to her and that I couldn't always doing things like that and that one day unless I grew up a little bit I'd wind up in prison.  
  
Suddenly realise that all friends are scarily grown up- with poss. exception of Wormtail who still giggles when the words "Bra" or "arse" are mentioned.  
  
Don't what to be left behind I'm clever as they are. Will be both mature and funny. Am sure is possible to be both. 


	2. Feb 7 Feb 14

Author's Note: Due our employment status we're finding it hard to get together and write so this is only short. There will be more honest, when we think of it. Thanks for reviewing go to:  
  
Trinity Day; Sorry about the rubbish formatting, I shouldn't upload late at night when I get sleep. And yes Rupert is from Buffy. So is his "friend". Disclaimer. See chapter one. The only payment we get is in reviews and the warm tinglely feeling they give us.  
  
Feb 7th.  
  
Father answered owl about why the word is hen-pecked. Is obviously as confused as me, long rambling letter about the facts of life and how "only Mummies and Daddies can make babies", (Yeah. Right. That's how Orion got his girlfriend up the duff. Wonder how they are. Married yet?) and how "you are far too young to worry about things like that" and how "it's against school rules to be caught in flagrante delicto". Don't intend to be caught and am not sexually active. Although it's not for lack of trying and never ever want to be caught. Decide to ask Moony, Row, Rupert, Rup's weird friend from Ravenclaw, Ophelia, Mundungus Fletcher and, in fit of desperation, Wormtail. They don't know either. Don't dare ask Prongs, like face too much the way it is and it would be sinful to deny my good looks to the rest of the World, or Lily as would have to explain why I want to know. Also got letter from Orion, founding member of the Hen-pecked brigade; do I mind not being best man at the wedding (That'll be a "no" to earlier question then) and does Row want to come? Wonder if I can persuade her not to as family all insane and Gran asks odd questions about really strange things. Love Gran, really. And why would I want to be Orion's best man? Ok, he's my elder brother but have spent good part of last seventeen years putting stuff in his bed, food, hair, pockets, etc. and once he transfigured me into a cushion. Anyway, Mum'd never let me go to stag party. They have alcohol there. Want to go to the Stag Party. Why stag party? Wonder if should ask Father . . .  
  
  
  
Feb 8th. Row coming to wedding; Orion wrote and invited her because "Sirius can't be trusted to ask you". James and Lily coming too so shouldn't be too bad. Got parcel from Grandfather Black. Big surprise as Mum said he died when I was seven. Turns out the old coot was living it up with some floozy (his words not mine, mine would be ruder) in Malaysia. Now have many articles of silk underwear which don't fit. Am no longer seven Grandfather. Also some dried herby things poss. potions ingredients.  
  
Great Hall. Night. Not potions ingredients. Read labels and checked in library. Or rather Moony did because Prongs and I decided to feed them to Wormtail to see what happened. This is good, now know the whiny little sod won't die. Is NOT my fault that he is floating at ceiling height and we can't get him down. We can't reach. Will poss. curb his hunger. Ooh! Voices! Only Lil and Row on prefect duty. Lily uses charm to bring Peter down, but the second she stops using it he springs back up. Rowan is no help, far to busy laughing. Suggest waiting for herbs to wear off. Will be long night. So run away quickly and leave our esteemed Head Boy in charge. Is his duty to be responsible. Still don't know why the phrase is "hen-pecked".  
  
Feb 9th. Bed. Morning. Am going to die. Woke up this morning and pyjamas, hair and skin are PINK. Not normal skin-tone pink or even blushing/flushed pink but that really foul shade that little girls really like. Magenta? Cerise? Oh, I don't know. Notice James Potter isn't here. I will be revenged. Rupert took one look and said "Bloody hell! Barbie pink! Is there something you aren't telling us?" Will be revenged on him too. And add him to list; · Note to self: make following people pay:  
  
Snape  
  
Parkinson  
  
Slytherin's in general  
  
Filch  
  
Prongs and Wormtail.  
  
T. M. Riddle.  
  
Rupert  
  
Grandfather Black, am certain this is his fault. Remus won't stop laughing now. Curse Remus. Remus now leopard print all over. Try counter curse, am still Pink. Peter tries counter curse is now pink too. Remus uses counter curse and returns to normal. Tries on me and Wormtail. Am still pink. Not going anywhere like this.  
  
Bed. Lunchtime. Hospital Wing. MacGonagall made me come. Not happy didn't go to Transfiguration in first lesson. One look at self and made me come to hospital wing. Don't understand why she and Pomfrey don't believe me when say have no idea how got this way. James says he doesn't know either. Liar. Still pink. Think will be pink for ever. No! Pink definitely not my colour. On happier note Row assures me she still loves me even though am pink. . Comforts me by saying "Don't worry I'm sure Dumbledore'll know how to get you back to normal. He did when I cursed you with that one that made you bald." This is not strictly true, as am unable to ever grow big Dumbledore beard.  
  
Night. Dormitory. Am no longer pink! Dumbledore took one look and asked if I'd tried washing. No, was to busy panicking. Counter curses weren't working because Prongs had used dye. Will be sorry tomorrow; borrowed stuff called "itching powder" from Ethan in Ravenclaw and put it in all James's underwear. Also filled shoes with the stuff from Grandfather which smells like something dead.  
  
Feb 10th. Common Room. 2am. Was mistake to put stinky stuff in shoes. Now whole dorm smells to quote Rup "Like a charnel house"; Moony explains to Wormtail this means a place where loads of dead bodies are left to rot. Peter wants to know how Rup knows what a charnel house smells like. I don't; the mental images I have conjured up are disturbing enough. Now all trying to sleep in common room. Bugger! James has brought his shoes. Throw shoes out of window, receive round of applause as smell gone.  
  
Common Room. 7:30am. Lend Prongs shoes as his out window. He can't understand why he's so itchy. Tell Peter James has fleas, will spend rest of day running from James.  
  
Feb 11th. Top of Astronomy Tower. Night. Late. Am in hiding. Prongs not impressed after having to have a talk with Madame Pomfrey about personal hygiene. Hagrid found shoes and bought them into Great Hall. Wouldn't have known whose shoes they were if not for Moony. Last year he got sick of me and Jamie-boy fighting over things and put name tags on all our stuff; so the shoes, which if possible stank worse than ever, were identified at dinner last night. Lots of people sick. One Slytherin first year sick on Snape, ha-ha-ha! Teachers decide this means James has issues with bathing. Things not helped by Wormtail shouting "James has fleas too!" Or the mud on his head from Quidditch practice. Row hiding up tower with me too. Whole of Gryffindor Tower smells as shoes, while not as bad as before, still stinky. Also Row threw the mud at James. Combined body heat means we're not cold even though it's about minus ten out here. Also combined body weight against door means James can't get out here and kill us. To his credit (?) he is trying V.HARD to. And as is private and we're alone.......  
  
Feb 12th. Still haven't got lucky. Prob. a good thing though. It was very cold last night and don't want bits to freeze off. Would be no point in having sex if could never have it again. Love Rowan v. much. Also love Lily as she has talked James out of psychotic need to kill me. Prongs is now trying to kill Wormtail as he has no girlfriend to persuade Lily to persuade James not to. Am sure that sentence made more sense in head than on paper. Oh well. Went to Hogsmeade today. Am banned by Dumbledore but have been going via hidden passages for so long, i.e. since first year, seemed wrong somehow not to. Spent time hiding in Zonko's, the Shrieking Shack, etc. from girls because they would have seen it as wrong to sneak to village. Think this is slightly two-faced of them because they come with us on school nights sometimes. Rowan swears that the fact we spend these times snogging discreetly and drinking in the Hogshead has nothing to do with her headaches the next day. Well she says that she has headaches, personally I think she's hungover but will never tell her so as like head, limbs, genitals etc. where they are. Also like having girlfriend as then don't have to practice kissing with pillow/ teddy bear like Peter. Would think that 17 - 18 year old boy would be ashamed of having teddy bear on bed, but not Wormtail. Poss. hide teddy? Might be funny.  
  
Late. Under Peter's Bed. (Don't Ask) Help. Am stuck. Teddy-bear hidden. Can't breathe. Dying........  
  
Own Bed. Feel especially fond of Remus who has saved me! Think might have been a little too demonstrative of great affection and gratitude as Moony was looking at me oddly and is now pretending to sleep so does have to talk to me. Can't sleep as trying to figure out what was wrong with Wolf-boy has given me scarrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyy mental images.  
  
Feb 13th. Is Valentine's tomorrow. Am so proud as have got Row's present sorted. Got lovely girlfriend chocolate, the new book she wanted and perfume. Is scarily grown up of self to be this organised. Usually forget 'til now and then run round in panic in manner of man trapped in broom cupboard with Hairy MacBoons. Is fun watching various other house members in lower years run instead. But not as much fun as watching them panic tomorrow when they remember. Am sitting quietly and doing Charms homework. This has convinced Remus that am not the real Sirius Black because: a) the real Sirius is physically incapable of sitting quietly for more than 10 minutes. b) Sirius never remembers Valentine's in advance, though he is good with anniversaries, birthdays and other such things and c) inevitably Sirius does his homework at 4am the morning it's due with much swearing. He and Rup told me this while Jamie and Petey went to Hogsmeade to pick up Lily's present. Smiled politely at them and went back to work. Are really scared now. Are trying to disenchant me to find out who I really am.  
  
Feb 14th. Knew Sorting hat made mistake with Rupert's friend in Ravenclaw. As well as Demons being "cool" he thinks chaos is "fun". Would normally agree, but was horrible today. Somehow he managed to curse? enchant? whole of Ravenclaw to act upon their most hidden desires for people. Spent day being chased and propositioned by randy Ravenclaws. Would be flattering except none took "No!" as answer even when it was "No! Gerrrroff! Never!" And also some were male. Peter and self v.disturbed by the two first years chasing Snape around. James is still hiding from his admirers except he's calling it Quidditch practice. Is out there alone and has been for four hours. Is rainy and cold. Not even Lily, Row, rest of team, any vaguely sane person or self going out in this weather. Also wanted to snuggle with Row in front of warm fire. Got v.lovely friendship ring for Valentine's. Row v.grateful for presents. Went and got snuggly in private on top of Astronomy Tower. Is v.v.v.private up there. Prob. because v.v.v.cold. Got v.wet so went to Quidditch changing rooms for warm, dry private snuggles. James not v.impressed, but not as unimpressed as Lily is with him. Also changing rooms are not part of main castle so Peeves can't get in there. This is good as don't have to listen to his incessant chatter and he can't tell Filch. 


	3. Feb 15 March 29

Disclaimer: See chapter 1. It's still true.  
  
Feb 15th.  
  
Morning. Bed. 7am.  
  
Arrgh! Can't see! Everything is black! Then realise haven't opened eyes. Don't want to open eyes, are clog wearing trolls in skull. How they get there? Know didn't drink last night, did other stuff of the naughty romantic variety with Rowan.  
  
Morning, still in bed (sadly alone)7:30 am.  
  
Ooh clog wearing trolls not in skull. Not wanting to know why Prongs has decided to fill room with heavy boxes. Ask Moony, he doesn't know but advises me not to tell Wormtail as he's scared enough of the boxes as it is. Apparently, my ideas are generally scary, well petrifying, and slightly demented so if something scares me it must be bad. Want to argue but can't. Although Peter is scared of Lily's cat, Zebedee, and we all tease him mercilessly.  
  
Night. Late. Bed. (Again).  
  
Still not sure what boxes for. They are multiplying though. When asked James just grins insanely and says "You'll see...." then starts cackling about revenge. Think he may have hit head yesterday. They are empty though. Now more puzzled than ever.  
  
  
  
Feb 17.  
  
Still don't know what the boxes were for, but they'd all disappeared when we went to bed last night. Admittedly this was more like this morning. Ate breakfast, not sure which lessons we had, so not potions, quite likely History of Magic and Muggle Studies. Decide to check timetable. Where is it?  
  
9pm.  
  
Locate timetable under chocolate frog wrappers and chewed shoes (where did they come from? Not even my shoes!) under bed. Was right. Am worried by the fact that I slept through some important stuff about NEWTs; don't want to fail. Oh well, was only Muggle Studies.  
  
10pm.  
  
Discovered have to hand in some project about Muggle Transport next week. Run around in panic in common room; one of Fan-club says her brother is selling his motorbike. Have agreed to buy it. Friends laughed. Spoke to MacGonagall, am going to pick it up on Saturday. Friends are scared.  
  
  
  
Feb 25.  
  
Have shiny, lovely, gorgeous motorbike! Impressed Muggle Studies teacher, came top of class. Love Motorbike. Have even started to learn mechanics. Now just have to make it go. Lily has taken to calling me "Mr. Toad" after some Muggle book character who was obsessed with vehicles. Am NOT obsessed, just enthusiastic. Rowan is refusing to speak to me after suggestion that she help me with the bike rather than go to Quidditch changing rooms or up Astronomy Tower. Prongs and Wormtail disgusted with me too over this, can't see why. Remus is helping me. He is a good friend.  
  
March 1st.  
  
Have motorbike, but apparently no girlfriend. Rowan is in library doing homework with Troy Prism, the Hufflepuff Quidditch captain. Prongs told me because he doesn't approve, "fraternising with the enemy" is the phrase he used. Loudly and repeatedly. Since Wood left, ole Jamesie has felt need to be scarily devoted to Quidditch. Anyway, Lil told him to shut up because neither he nor I had anything to worry about. Not sure what this means. Anyway am adding Prism to list of people to be revenged on. Useless, pretty boy. · Note to self: make following people pay:  
  
Snape  
  
Parkinson  
  
Slytherin's in general  
  
Filch  
  
Prongs and Wormtail.  
  
T. M. Riddle.  
  
Rupert  
  
Grandfather Black,  
  
Troy Prism.  
  
In other news, motorbike now has engine working, just need to learn to drive it. Rupert says he'll show me. Wormtail is still in Hospital Wing; shouldn't have feed him that last batch of Grandfather's herbs, he has these disgusting green pulsing things growing out of his head. Stupid pillock panicked and told Madame Pomphrey exactly where he got the herbs from. Had another long lecture. Also teachers have lost all faith in traditional punishments (apparently they obviously don't stop me doing exactly as I wish) and as it's still illegal for Filch to hang me up in chains they have decided to punish me for this by making me to write an essay entitled "Why I shouldn't use unknown herbs on my friends". James got to write the fabulously entertaining "There is a reason why the Restricted Section is restricted and it has nothing to do with Prof. Kettleburn's pornography collection" because he was caught looking at, surprisingly, the Restricted Section. Apparently Wormy told the teachers that James said Prof. Kettleburn had a massive and varied porn collection. Herbs work like truth potion, now if knew what they were this would be useful.  
  
  
  
  
  
March 7th.  
  
11:30am. Motorcycle goes now. Rupert's friend wanted me to put spells on it so it'd be a flying motorbike. This sounds like by far the best idea he's ever had. Now just to persuade others of this.  
  
Rowan still not happy with me; Moony suggests that I try grovelling, Prongs wants to watch if I do. Decide I have three options here: 1) Get new girlfriend. (Possible. Have a fan club with membership cards and everything. So they tell me. Am both flattered and scared by this) 2) Get Row back. (Am not grovelling though. Well, maybe..) 3) Lose Prongs his girlfriend. (Not a good idea, will upset Lily. And Row. Like hair. In fact like living.)  
  
4am.  
  
Hate world and everyone in it. Am going to exorcise Nearly Headless Nick and Fat Friar. Stupid dead men. They said Row and useless pretty boy Prism are "a cute couple" and "at least she's spending more time on her schoolwork than with that young scallywag, Sirius Black." Am not a scallywag, am cheekily charming! Told Prongs and he said "No, you're not a scallywag; you're a pain in the arse. And your feet smell." So put dungbombs in his shoes. Now whose feet smell, Mr. Potter?  
  
Got into Slytherin Common room and bewitched pictures to sing our Quidditch chants when they are looked at. Not worried as no-one can prove a thing. Well unless they're reading this. (If you are reading my diary; BEWARE! Have put charms like are on the Library Books on here. And will kill you in creative manner designed to look like accident.)  
  
  
  
March 18th.  
  
Still not flying. Lily worried about James's recurrent foot odour problem.  
  
  
  
March 27th.  
  
Hospital Wing.  
  
Still not flying; although now know that levitating charms won't work. TOLD Prongs they wouldn't, but he insisted we try. Fell about 30 foot in front of many prying eyes. Slytherins all laughed like drains, except Snape who laughed like a sewer (is too yucky to be like drain). Broke wrist and 4 ribs and Prong's leg when I landed on it. Madame Pomphrey says he'll be OK for Quidditch match next Saturday. Don't care about that.  
  
I could have killed my best friend. Feel sick in scary scary way. Would die rather than let anything happen to James and I nearly killed him. James says it was his fault too, he persuaded me to try it. Don't believe him, mainly because said persuasion was "C'mon Padfoot; if you don't try it you'll never know if it works." Then I agreed.  
  
Have managed to upset Row yet again. She blames me for accident. Her face was really white and the bits of the hysterical shouting I understood were mainly "Idiot" and "Could have died" and "Stupid, stupid bastard." Still not quite sure if upset over Prongs or me. Lily was worried about me and shouted at Prongs. Think whole school heard that. "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING OF? YOU STUPID IDIOT! YOU COULD HAVE DIED!" And I never knew Lily knew that many swear words. Am impressed.  
  
March 28th.  
  
Am even more impressed than ever with lovely, lovely Lily. Now have FLYING MOTORBIKE. Lily and Rowan sorted it. Moony pointed out that if I'd asked them in the beginning, would have had flying bike sooner. Didn't like his tone, so I hit him. Wrist much better now. Whole school did hear Lily shouting. Either that or gossip spreads faster than soft butter on hot toast.  
  
Asked Lily why she fixed bike after charms. She said "It was either that or, as Rowan pointed out, you and James would kill yourselves trying." Thanked her profusely. She made me promise not to land on James anymore. Or let him ride my motorbike. Wasn't going to let him, anyway. It's mine. Thanked Rowan too. She made me apologise to Remus, then announced she had to go study in the library.  
  
Also got owl from Mum. Is worried because she hasn't had any owls complaining about me for a few weeks. Dad still busy fighting Voldie's forces, Orion and Ceridwen are busy with the wedding and the imminent arrival of Orion Jnr. Apparently she wants to name the baby Procyon; after the brightest star of Canis Minor. They've been told the baby is a boy. By whom? If it was that drippy friend of Ceri's Sybilla?, Sybil?, Sarah? - oh, who gives a hippogriff's arse, I don't know her name- who's into Divination, it's just as likely to be a girl. That girl couldn't predict that night follows day.  
  
Also a mad, batty old woman, otherwise known as Mum, wants to know if I want rose or poppy. Also am to ask James which. Both confused now. Rose or Poppy for what? Send owl to ask.  
  
  
  
March 29th.  
  
Lily says that flowers probably for wedding button-holes. Would believe her, but this is my family we're talking about. Could be what we want for dinner when we get home or that Grandfather Black is sending an Owl-Order bride each. I don't want an owl-order bride.  
  
Got parcel from Gran, she sent some cakes; tried one and now suspect Gran taught Hagrid to cook. On positive note, Hagrid likes Gran's cakes (we had to help him for detention. Again). I am much more appreciative of the brandy. Will hide it from friends. Possibly in stomach. Seen as we were running around in the Forbidden Forest with Hagrid again tonight, the teachers have decided that detention does serve as a punishment. Moony suspects that it's because the teachers don't want to read the essays we wrote for them and lines are boring. That reminds me; he never did say why he had to write out "Just because James and Sirius did it, I don't have to." Or what he did. Or, come to think of it what we did first. 


	4. April 2nd and 3rd

Author's note. 

Very short chapter here; but I've got to go round up my plot bunnies and the site's down this weekend.   
  
  
  


April 2nd.   
  


Two weeks until the Easter holidays. Would be excited, but will have NEWTS afterwards and am sure should probably do more work toward them. Got letter from Orion; he was asking about roses and poppies too, so would assume for button-holes as Lily suggested except my dress robes don't have button holes. Oh! Scary thought! Am NOT wearing flowers on head or in hair. Know that is different to on head but not sure how; hair is on head. Unless arguing with Rowan, then likely to have every single hair on body removed by hex and for it not to grow back. Suspect that is why Snape's hair is so greasy; she cursed it off and now the grease holds the wig on. Reminds me, did he ever find the Mrs. Skowers in his shampoo?   
  


Wonder what happens if normal people wash hair with it? Probably shouldn't try on self. Or on Moony, Wormtail Prongs and girls. Can't use Snape as is a comparison, so will try to persuade Rupert. Or possibly ignore this as a bad idea and do DADA essay.   
  


Later. 

Done essay. Bored now. Bored, bored, bored, bored. Shake James and ask if he's up for a bit of excitement, got "Ummmmpphh. Oh, yes, Lily. There." as reply. Was very disturbed by that. Considered waking Remus, but he needs his sleep at this time of the month. Once he almost bit me when I tried to wake him. Like Moony and have fun at full moon. Just not sure if like the idea of being werewolf too. Am sure would not impress parents, Dumbledore, friends or anyone else either and think Moony has enough guilt issues over that without me adding to them. No point in waking Rupert or Wormtail. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored.   
  


Bit Later. 

Still bored. Have done Potions work due next Monday.   
  


Later Again. 

Have no homework pending now. Still bored and possibly insomniac now. Still wary of waking James, who is still talking in sleep. And getting louder. Thankfully, is now having nightmare and not dirty dreams about Lily. Oh, has woken someone else. Watch out of bed hangings as Moony goes over to James's bed and thumps him. Potter doesn't even wake up. Amazing.   
  


April 3rd. 

Morning. Breakfast time. 

Ugh. Wake up with quill tangled in hair and last night's diary entry copied on face. Last thing I remember is deciding to count snores from dorm mates until sunrise. Missed breakfast washing ink off face. 

Jamiekins wants to know why he has black-eye. Moony acts innocent. Consider telling Prongs why, but decide it's not worth it. Also, is likely to blame me anyway.   
  


Lunch-time. 

V.v.v.v. confused today. After breakfast (which I missed) saw Rowan and Prism talking, v. close together. Kind of lost temper and started shouting. People stared. Row lost temper, shouted at them, then started yelling at me. Next thing I know, we're snogging v. enthusiastically in the broom cupboard. So, are we back together? She ignored me and I ignored her in lessons. So v. confused and have Potions next, which is not the ideal lesson to be confused in. Is dangerous enough with people blowing things up left right and centre. Ok, so is usually me and James mucking around, but some people (like say Peter and to a lesser extent Rowan) are just generally bad at Potions and make a lot of mistakes causing explosions.   
  



	5. April 4th and 5th

Author's Note: While this note attempts not to spoil Order of the Phoenix for anyone who hasn't read it, I have to admit that now my story is so far removed from cannon that I don't really want to continue it and anyway I ran out of ideas. So here is the last entry. 

Thank-you to everyone for the kind reviews.   
  


April 4th.   
  


Morning. 

Am now convinced Rowan and self are somewhere between one and all of the following: 

back together engaged stupid insane addicted to each other having a baby.   
  


Have fulfilled another New Years Resolution! Yay! Had sex in school with Rowan. Last night. Was magic. The earth moved. Now, wonder how I can get laid before James when he is in scary, committed grown-up relationship and am not sure if I'm even in a relationship. Oh, well. Still got laid first.   
  
  
  


Night. 

Everyone now knows where I spend last night. And what Rowan and I were doing. Had another row with Row. This time in common room. Everyone pretended they weren't listening in, but they were. I would if other people were having that fight. It all started when I asked Rowan if we were back together. 

"I didn't even realise we'd spilt up." The homicidal glint in her eyes should have warned me to drop it then. But, no this is me and quite plainly I am v.v.v.v.v.v.v.v.v.v.v.v.v. stupid 

"But we weren't talking and you and Prism..." 

"Troy and I are just friends." 

"Friends? FRIENDS? Do you spend this much time with all your friends?" 

"Do you think I would have had sex with you if we weren't together? Exactly what sort of girl do you think I am?" 

Then we descended into senseless name-calling (possibly Rowan got an answer for her question because I'm pretty sure I called her a slut), blame appropriation and dredging up every argument we've had since we first met in the first year. That bit must be repetitive because audience got bored and drifted away. Peter assures me they could all still hear, "because you were really loud, Sirius and the whole house knows "that bit of your arguments by heart. D'you know Rupert and James run a book on when you two will make up? Can you make up in two months so I win?" 

Am not prolonging this fight for two months. Mainly because sex was good and would like to do it again. Is also small matter of the fact that I love Rowan v. much. Suspect this might be the time to take Remus's advice and grovel. Will do that now before self-respect and/or self-righteous anger talk me out of it.   
  


Later. 

They talked me out of it. With help from Prongs who wanted to play tricks on people. "We can do stuff to Prism, it'll make you feel better." No, it didn't. Now have sick feeling that it just made things worse when Row finds out. Is 4am too late/early to go grovel?   
  
  
  


April 5th.   
  


Morning. Sometime between breakfast and lunch.   
  


Am still in bed. Is not own bed though and am too scared to get up. Last night had weird discussion with friends about sex. The discussion ended when my mouth announced, without checking with brain, "I'm tri-sexual." 

"Sirius, there are only two sexes; you can't be more than bi-sexual." Moony pointed out, edging away slightly. 

"Yes, I can; I'll try anything once." Mouth was again operating independently from brain and this time all friends were scared and disgusted and they threw me out of the dorm and wouldn't let me back in.   
  


Decided to sleep in common room. Had done it before, will probably do it again. Was just dropping off to sleep when the Girls came in (unsteadily). They'd managed to sneak into Hogsmeade and were just getting back (it was 3:30 in the morning). They asked why I was sleeping on a sofa and when I told them Row said I could sleep in her bed, "but tell anyone and I'll ensure you spend the rest of your natural life singing castrato." Fine and dandy. Girls' dorm much nicer; poss. due to lack of dungbombs and that they wash their Quidditch gear after every match, practice or use. Also they tidy stuff up. 

Anyway, woke up this morning lying on my back with a breast in my left hand, and my hand on Lily's bum. I was in bed with both Rowan and Lily.   
  


James is going to kill me.   
  


Slowly and painfully.   
  


Check under blankets. 

The fact that nothing happened is immaterial, he's going to kill me. 

I slept with his girlfriend first. Girls got up and went to breakfast; apparently friends are slightly worried about my whereabouts. Row said they didn't tell them. Apparently Lily thinks James will kill her too. Some how Lily have managed to get my diary to me, so they probably now know where I am. Then they all went into Hogsmeade.   
  


Currently have curtains drawn and am trying to think of good reason why I'm here because MacGonagall is in dorm!!!!!!! Oh, fuck, am I in trouble! Especially as obviously spent the night here. Am not wearing clothes. Am not even wearing all of pyjamas. Rowan's asleep on my shoulder; dressed only in my top which isn't even done up. Will be expelled. Mum'll kill me.   
  


Later.   
  


Still in Girl's dorm; have no real desire to leave. Was not caught by MacGonagall due to the lovely Lily, who is far and away the nicest person I know (Rowan is many wonderful things but nice isn't one of them, wouldn't change her for the world though - love Rowan just the way she is). Lily told her that James was worried because he and I had had a fight and no-one knew where I was. Decided it might be an idea to turn up for supper (managing to avoid friends because then would have to go back to own dorm) and now am no longer missing. Like Girl's dorm, have been adopted as dorm mascot. Scarily am now painting everyone's nails.   
  


Rowan is wearing this odd green goop on her face (am not kissing her while it's on. No matter how nicely she asks.) which she claims "will open up and cleanse the pores in my face". Never realised that girls go to such lengths to look pretty. Also am sure she's not supposed to do this in front of me yet. Poss. when we've been living together and/or been married for a few months. We've been having sex since yesterday. Suspect things are moving too fast. Also suspect she's going to put it on me. Am going back to own dorm in morning. No point in going tonight - am on a promise.   
  
  
  



End file.
